Good Co-Parenting: 7 Tips to Win at Colorado Child Custody

Being Good Co-Parent Helps Child Custody

First, a quick summary of positive ways you should be a good co-parent to help you in any future child custody case:

• Communicate in writing
• Keep the other parent informed
• Keep communications positive
• Promptly respond to communications
• Make decisions jointly
• Be flexible
• Foster a positive relationship

I have been keeping a list of good vs bad co-parenting tips for a while, but writing this article truly reinforced how much of being a good co-parent revolves around communications – written, polite and prompt communications really do separate a bad co-parent from a good co-parent.

Bad vs Good Co-Parenting

A companion article addresses co-parenting from the negative perspective – “what not to do” because it will hurt your parenting case. Those tips are the baseline necessary to avoid being perceived as a bad co-parent by the family law judge who will preside over your next custody hearing. There is some crossover between the two articles (e.g. “don’t be inflexible” in the “bad co-parent” article translates into “be flexible” in this article), but generally the focus of this article is the positive side – what should you be doing as a good co-parent to create a positive impression and actually help your case.

We know it’s tough to fight human nature. The other parent refuses to co-parent, is a narcissist, schedules appointments without telling you, badmouths you, etc – pretty much does everything a good co-parent should not do. The point is that you are defined by your own conduct, not the other parent’s conduct. To help your child custody case, you should handle parenting on your own terms, and be a good co-parent, even when the other side refuses to reciprocate.

Love Your Kids More Than You Hate Your Ex

The title of a co-parenting book by Helen Fried says it all. Being a good co-parent is beneficial in so many ways, especially to the children – but the focus of this article is not how positive co-parenting helps the kids (it does), but how it helps you!

Turning the other cheek and taking the high road, despite what the other side throws at you, is not weak. Weakness means giving into temptation, and letting your ex goad you into being a bad co-parent. Instead, pick your own battleground (the next child custody hearing), after all, success in that hearing is more important than “winning” the argument over the next parenting exchange.

Be excellent to each other.

Bill S. Preston, “Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure“

While you obviously have no control over whether your ex is a good co-parent or not, you can control the way you act, so for our purposes, this quote really means “Be excellent to the other.” If you apply the wisdom of this movie quote in your own dealings with the other parent, you will not regret it.

What’s In It for Me if I’m a Good Co-Parent?

If doing the right thing for the sake of the children is not reason enough, then the answer is that good co-parenting is in your self-interest. No matter how good a parent you are, if you’re a lousy co-parent, it’s going to hurt you in court. And the flip side of that is also true – a family law judge is more forgiving of a person’s parenting weaknesses when that parent at least treats the other with respect and flexibility.

The other parent may well not deserve it, but you’re not being a good co-parent for her. You’re doing it for the sake of the children (hopefully!), and for the benefit it may confer the next time you set foot in a Colorado courtroom, whether it’s in a few months, or a few years.

Without further ado, here’s a more detailed explanation of “what to do as a good co-parent.“

Communicate in Writing

There are two highly-regarded co-parenting apps for parents to communicate (both also offer other useful features such as shared calendars and journals):

• Talking Parents. They have a free account, which allows parents to communicate with one-another through a web-based, threaded interface. The standard plan, at only $5.99/mo, is well worthwhile, as it adds a mobile app (works like a text), and PDF transcripts of the whole communications history (an invaluable exhibit to have for court).
• Our Family Wizard. While they do not have a free account (their plan is $99/yr), it includes additional features, such as an information bank for contact information of professionals and an expense log.

In higher-conflict cases, courts will often order co-parents to communicate using either Talking Parents or Our Family Wizard, but they are a great idea in any parenting case. Instead of trying to introduce random emails and SMS screenshots, there’s one concise PDF with a record of all communications. And when one parent requests that communications go through one of these apps, I’ve never had a case where a court refuses to issue such an order.

But even if you don’t use a co-parenting app, keep communications in writing to the extent possible so there’s a written record of who said what. Email works much better than text, both in terms of ability to make points properly, and also from the perspective of court exhibits. And if something is discussed or agreed to verbally, follow-up with an email of the conversation or agreement. Even if the other parent never responds, you’ve just created a written record as evidence for court.

The written record can prove you provided notice, kept the other parent informed, or that the other parent ignores messages or is abusive. In short, written communications are not just good co-parenting, but a great forensic tool your lawyer will appreciate.

Keep the Other Parent Informed

Written communications are only useful if you actually use them as intended. Being a good co-parent means keeping the other parent informed, promptly, even if she does not, and even if she should already know about an appointment. Examples of this include:

• Upcoming appointments. Advise the other parent of all routine medical, school, etc. appointments upon them being set. If the other parent is local, include them in setting up the appointment if possible, and if not, tell them as soon as possible. Having a shared calendar is a good idea – Google offers them for free.
• Results of appointments. If you took your daughter to the doctor for a quick check-up or sore throat, or she’s just sick, tell the other parent promptly, and if you have the medical record, send it. If a kid needs braces, don’t just say that, but furnish a copy of the orthodontist record showing the details.
• Pictures. Do you have a picture of the kids at Disney World, or when your son lost his first tooth? Sports team photo? Send them to the other parent, unless she explicitly tells you not to. Pictures not only go a long way towards breaking the ice, but they are great evidence of efforts to co-parent.
• Significant events. Did your son hit a home run today? Stay home sick from school? Ace a quiz in school? Provide the details to the other parent.
• Trips or unavailability. If the children will not be available for a phone or video call, tell the other parent in advance. If you’re taking a trip, tell the other about it, even if your parenting plan does not require such notice.
• Report cards. Even though the other parent should have his/her own account at school, score co-parenting “brownie points” with the court, if not that parent, by sending them a copy of the report card anyway.
• Contact information. Make sure the other parent is listed as a primary contact with all professionals providing services to the children – schools, day care, medical professionals, even team coaches. And affirmatively provide that parent with details of the medical professionals (which, assuming you made the decision jointly as good co-parents should, the other parent will hopefully have!)
• Events in own life. If you’re sick, marrying, divorcing, moving in with someone, having a baby, or any other life event that could affect the kids, assume the other parent has the need to know. You don’t need to share intimate details, or provide date of birth/SSN of your significant other, but you at least do tell her generally what’s going on.

Remember the Golden Rule – if it’s information you would like to have yourself if the situation were reversed, share it with the other parent, no matter how lousy a co-parent he/she may be. The more examples you have of communicating positively, the harder it will be for the other parent to convince a judge you’re a bad co-parent.

Keep Communications Positive

Communications are about the children, not you or your ex. So keep your communications neutral-to-positive in tone, informative, and to-the-point. If you are prone to being hot-headed, it’s a good idea to ask a friend or family member to review an email or other communication before you send it. (A litmus test – if you think you put the other parent in her place, or it felt good to get something off your chest, think twice before sending it!)

The way to “score points” with communications is not to argue about everything, but to ignore arguments and accusations, and then return the focus to the kids. So while a false accusation from the other parent is worth denying in general, you do not owe him a detailed defense, so don’t waste your breath trying to justify yourself. Ultimately, the judge (who is really your audience) will appreciate it.

Even if you have a history of bad communications, profanity, etc, it’s never too late to stop. By the time you are next in court, the longer your track record of communicating positively, the more you can say that the emails the other parent introduces of you swearing or attacking are ancient history, and you’re a changed person.

Promptly Respond to Communications

Sometimes the last thing you want to do is deal with the other side, but responding promptly to his/her communications is a necessary part of good co-parenting. If something is time-sensitive, respond the same day if possible. And even if not time-sensitive, if you’re too tied up to respond immediately, send a quick “I’m busy, but will look at your email over the weekend and get back to you then.”

Judges don’t like parents who ignore relevant parenting communications from the other, which means they appreciate parents who do respond!

Note – make sure an immediate response is not a negative one, however. If the other parent proposes something, or, worse, baits you with a negative email, sometimes waiting a day to respond can help you cool down and make sure you say the right thing in return.

Make Decisions Jointly

Joint decision-making is key to successful co-parenting. And that means including the other parent in major decisions involving the children, rather than making them unilaterally. Even if the other parent never responds, or always okays whatever you choose, advise that parent before each decision, not after. And if you have the “tie-breaker”, that means simply that after both parents confer and try to decide jointly, if you cannot agree, you make the decision. But you still have to confer first!

There is no clear dividing line between major decisions (which must be made jointly by both co-parents), and minor, or day-to-day decisions which each parent may make during his/her own parenting time. Medical and education are obvious areas which require joint decision-making, but as a general principle, if the decision a parent makes directly affects the other’s time, or has lasting consequences on a child, it’s probably a major decision. And err on the side of conferring!

If the other parent rejects your proposed course of action, talk to your lawyer about how best to proceed.

Be Flexible

And if you have to decline, say why (“Sorry, but we are attending a wedding on that date, so I can’t move the exchange day”), rather than just saying “we have plans” without elaboration.

If the other parent needs extra time for a special event (wedding, graduation, etc), allow it. If in the course of a year, instead of getting 182 overnights, you “lose” three days due to being flexible, ending up with 179 nights, does that 1.5% of time lost really matter?

And if you are the majority parent, with 250-300 overnights per year already, you should always be accommodating of the other parent’s requests for additional time – throughout the year, that extra 5-10 nights will have a negligible impact on your time compared to your overall time, but means a lot to the other parent. And the judge will appreciate seeing you being inflexible, especially if the other parent has a track record of refusing – that’s what a good co-parent does.

Foster a Positive Relationship

Go the extra mile – have a photo of the other parent hanging on your child’s bedroom wall. (I just had the custody evaluator in a high conflict case of mine note in her report that she saw this during a home inspection – it was a real nice touch).

Help your daughter create that perfect Father’s Day card. Help ensure younger kids call the other parent. Attend joint functions involving the children with the other parent. Speak positively about the other parent (or if that’s going too far, at least never, ever speak negatively in front of the children). The list is endless – ideally, it’s not simply the absence of enmity, but actually having concrete steps you can point to which show that you are striving to foster that good relationship. And in court, when asked by your attorney, you can have a good list of real-world examples of positive co-parenting.

We had a blog post last year about how Gwyneth Paltrow brought her ex-husband (and father to her children) on her honeymoon with her new husband. That’s going too far, but you get the idea about being a good co-parent. So while you don’t have to be a “Gwyneth”, there’s nothing wrong with letting her example inspire you.